This feeling’s here again. I would have put this in my journal–my physical one–had it not been for this being the nth time I’ve felt this feeling.
I journaled this same feeling almost 100 times before. I don’t know why it took me so long, but on the 99th I thought to myself–if nothing has changed for all the times before, why would it change this time?
It’s this knot in my through, this held exhale in my lungs, this pressure on my stomach. It’s what used to motivate me four years ago, and it’s what’s stopping me from doing anything now.
I feel like I’ve let my past self–the 5, 17, and 20 year old Elaine’s–down. But I guess this is the consequence of telling myself that future me is going to do it. Do it. Do the thing that I’ve wanted, or at least thought I’ve wanted, to do for so long. To make the project. To start the routine. To wash my fucking tupperware or do my fucking laundry.
I’m aware this is sounding like the rant of a misunderstood 13 year old. The answer is likely that I just need to seek therapy.
But how can I get my spark back? Without hating myself, without wanting it for the wrong reason? I overcorrected my course these past couple of years, after trying to “heal” myself only to become complacent and unhealed. I told myself that I’m allowed to rest and love myself, but I’ve only lost accountability for my actions and given myself excuses.
But I don’t want to go back to the version of me who could only push myself by shitting on the current version of myself. There’s got to be a healthy middle ground. Where I want to do these things because I deserve to achieve the things I want to achieve. Not that I deserve to have those things happen, but because I love myself so much that I deserve the opportunity to create those opportunities for myself.
I keep seeing people in tech and on twitter swing too hard on one side. They strive for greatness because they truly, deep down, even if subconsciously, want recognition, love, or admiration. And in striving for that greatness they tell themselves that they don’t deserve anything good in the meantime until they’ve achieved that.
My course correction happened after I read The Courage to be Disliked, although if I’m being honest reading it gave me a good excuse and cope to explain why I felt myself slipping.
But my “spark” as I knew it was and still is only in that form of shitting on myself.
So how am I supposed to get it back?
Separately, why haven’t I given myself the shot to do the things I want to? To spend my time where I want to, not stupid fucking sorority stuff or something that doesn’t truly matter in my opinion in the long haul (I’m aware of the importance of community stuff). Am I just the annoying son of a bitch who thinks she’s better than others? Maybe. But also, is the part of me that wants to be great just a believer in the idea that you do have to think that you were meant for more than what the average is to get there? Yea. How do I reconcile those two? But see I’m falling in it again. I do love the experiences I’ve gotten through the things that haven’t been “it”. Through the improv, random clubs, even if in the moment I half-ass it because I believe it’s not “it” or “important enough,” I know that these are the things that make life great.
So why can’t I simultaneously get the things I want to do done? Is the answer literally just that I need therapy and adderall? Or more discipline and less screen time? It honestly is.
I want to be great. Or do I? Not in the way TCTBD was talking about, where it’s for a more subconscious reason–at least I don’t think so. But I want to do something with my life. I want to and I owe it to the people who took risks to get here. Who sacrificed versions of their future selves to give me what I have. To my mom, dad, nainai, jiajia, wang yeye, and so many others. Because if I have these thoughts and ideas and don’t bring them to fruition, what a waste? What a waste.
Which is why it’s so frustrating when my days aren’t adding up to that. And then I think, is that a sign to myself that I don’t actually want it? Or want it badly enough? I think so–TCTBD talked a lot about how it reveals inner core concerns and desires, and I think there’s some perverse side of me who enjoys staying in this disfunctional state, constantly being able to shit on myself to push myself further. Except that part of me–the part that only gets motivated through shame and self-deprecation and comparison–is tired. It’s out of steam. So I’m in this transition where I need to figure out what works for me. Why I truly want to do these things. I know certain definite truths about myself. And I’ll work from there.
I love to create things and see the outcome of what I’ve created. That can be something physical, a sketch, object, show, or community. I love to see the impact of what I’ve done. I guess everyone does. I guess I just need to do more of that, see where inspiration takes me, and update my priors about myself there. I can’t predict where I’ll go–improv taught me as much–but I know I’ll at least have to put in the energy to take the steps to get there.
I guess I’m writing this here and because it’s for me. Which is funny because if I ever do push this it’ll be for other people. But I’m tired of being scared of putting my shit out there. And if anything, writing this in my journal makes me feel performative in my own room. So I’ll just lay it out here to bare. The tech bros are doing it, so fuck it I will too.